Rolling in the Deep
by TammyDevil666
Summary: Spike finds out the real reason of why Buffy ended things with him.


**Just a little something that popped in my head at work, I guess you could say it's out of character. I know things never would have gone like this, but that's the beauty of fan fiction. Thanks to dusty273 for the read through=)**

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><p>"You don't come by anymore."<p>

Spike took a sip of his beer. "You shouldn't be here, big sis won't like it."

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Trust me, Buffy won't even notice. She's been moping around the house for the last week or so. I know something happened between you two, but talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. What's going on?"

"It's not my place to say, Nibblet. Buffy will tell you when she's ready."

Dawn let out a frustrated sigh. "You're treating me like a kid, just like everyone else does. I thought you were different. Fine, don't tell me, I'll figure it out soon enough."

She left then and Spike turned back to his bottle, trying to numb the pain as best he could. He hadn't seen her in over a week, not since the soldier showed up and she officially broke things off with him. Captain Cardboard was all happy with his new life, rubbing in Buffy's face exactly what she was missing out on. He would never fit in.

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><p>"Did you guys sleep together? Is that the big secret?"<p>

"We're not having this conversation, Dawn. It's none of your business," Buffy remarked.

The brunette scoffed. "It is my business when I have to see you sulk every day. When was the last time you even went patrolling? Does this have something to do with Riley; you still have feelings for him? You've been weird ever since he left."

Buffy glared at her sister. "This isn't about Riley, it's between me and Spike. Just let it go, I don't want to talk about this right now."

Dawn threw her hands up in the air. "Of course not, you never want to talk. You've been distant ever since you got back. I thought things would start getting better after your birthday party, but you have no intention of even trying. I don't know why I bother."

Buffy felt tears form when Dawn stomped upstairs. This wasn't her sister's fault, but Buffy didn't know how to be around her anymore. Everything was falling apart and she knew only one person could help, but there was no way she would use him again. That was over, and she would be damned to go back to treating him like a walking vibrator.

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><p>"Finally decided to make your presence known, Slayer? I never thought you'd set foot in my cemetery again, been going out of your way to avoid me."<p>

Buffy let out a breath, turning to look at the vampire in question. "I wasn't avoiding you."

He scoffed. "Could have fooled me, you don't have to stay away. If seeing me is such a problem, just let me know your patrol schedule and I'll make myself scarce."

She rolled her eyes. "That's ridiculous, I'm not avoiding you. I just needed some time to myself to rethink things; it has nothing to do with you."

"Right, of course it doesn't, why would you waste your time thinking about a lowly demon? I'm probably not even a blip on your radar. Well, suit yourself; I don't need you to come around. I'm doing just fine on my own."

Buffy watched him go; knowing that it was for the best, even though she felt her heart break a little more with every step he took.

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><p>Spike didn't know why he was at the Bronze that night, but figured it had something to do with finally running out of liquor at his crypt. He needed to get royally pissed, but a commotion from the dance floor caused him to look up from his position. Buffy was dancing, seeming to have the time of her life, and wearing something that left little to the imagination. If he had to take a guess, it looked like she decided to get wasted instead. He clenched his fists when some bloke wrapped his grubby paws all over her. Spike knew he had no right to be jealous, but she wasn't in her right mind when she had a little liquid courage. He wasn't about to let some fucker take advantage of her. With that thought in mind, he headed in her direction.<p>

"All right, I think you've had enough excitement for one night."

She beamed up at him. "Spike, you came! I was hoping you would. You wanna dance?"

As much as he would love to, this wasn't the time for that. "It's getting late, love. I think we need to get you home."

"Hey, I wasn't done with her yet."

Spike flashed a little fang, which caused the other man to back away slowly. He yanked Buffy out of there, knowing that she would have fallen if he didn't keep his arm securely around her.

"You always spoil my fun," she said with a pout.

Spike stopped to look at her. "If I recall another time you got drunk, you had anything but fun. I'm taking you home before you make an even bigger fool of yourself."

She ripped her arm out of his grasp. "What do you care? I don't need you to tell me what to do. I'm the damned Slayer, I can do whatever the hell I want and if I choose to get drunk with a few college boys, what's it to you? We're not together anymore, which I so did for your own good, you ungrateful ass. You see what a screw up I am, I would have just brought you down with me."

Spike raised his eyebrows in confusion; she clearly had more to drink than he thought. "Okay, you can't go home like this. I'm taking you to my crypt until you sober up a bit." Luckily, she let him do that without struggling, remaining quiet until they were safely inside.

She pulled away from him, seeing the litter of bottles on the floor; he'd obviously had more than she did. Suddenly feeling a lot more in control now that they were alone. Was this what she reduced him to?

"Now, what are you on about? Do you think I like being without you? Do you think it didn't kill me to see you out there with other wankers who aren't even worthy enough to lick your boots? How could that be for my own good?"

"I'm sorry," Buffy whispered, turning to look at him. "You may not see it right now, but I did you a favor by ending things. You were miserable, Spike. I know you won't admit to that, but what we were doing was wrong. Someone had to put a stop to it, and you weren't likely to."

"Always bloody wrong, don't you think I know that? You're the Slayer, it's your duty to kill my kind, not get in bed with them. Still, don't you realize what that would have done to me? I didn't need you to love me, Buffy. I'm pretty much used to it at this point, but you can't finally give me a crumb only to take it away. Not even coming by to see me, that hurt a lot more than anything else you could have done."

Buffy snatched up one of his discarded beer bottles, needing something to hold onto. "You don't get it. I couldn't do that to you anymore. I'm the problem here, not you. I see that now. There's something wrong with me, Spike. You said so yourself, I came back wrong. I left a part of my soul behind, this isn't me. I don't just use someone who I was considering to be a friend like that. I was rejected from Heaven because I didn't belong; don't you think they could have stopped Willow's magic from taking me away if I was really meant to be there? God, I beat you to a bloody pulp, just left you in an alley behind a police station, and for what? You were only trying to stop me from making a huge mistake. What kind of person does something like that unless they're wrong? The sex wasn't the problem, it was everything else. I'm screwed up, and I was trying to take you down with me, but you're better than that. It's not you who doesn't deserve me, Spike. It's the other way around; you have done nothing but try to help me and I didn't even appreciate it. I ended things because you deserve more than this." She crushed the bottle in her hands, not even realizing it until she glanced down to notice the blood dripping from her fingers, lost in a daze as she stared at the wound. "I don't even feel it." Buffy focused back on him, tears streaming down her face. "I should be able to feel the pain, but it's just numb. It's like I'm dead inside."

Spike was stunned; never in a million years did he expect to hear that from Buffy. He shook himself out of his stupor, rushing to her side and ripping his shirt to stop the bleeding as he gently took her hand in his. "How could you possibly believe any of that? You've given me more than I deserve, love. In case you've forgotten, I haven't exactly been a saint. I tried to bring you down to my level, saying such rot about how you belonged in the dark, but that is so far from the truth. What I said about you coming back wrong, that was just my anger talking, I didn't believe a word of it. You're not wrong, sweetheart. You could never be wrong. If anyone deserves to go to Heaven, it would be you. The witch's magic is just stronger than any of us could have realized, but there is no way you ever could be rejected from getting the peace you so rightly deserve. And when the time comes for you to go back, you'll be welcomed with open arms." Her tears broke his non-beating heart, making him wish more than anything that he could take her pain away. "Oh, love, please don't cry. I can't bear the sight of your tears. Come here," Spike pulled her into his arms without waiting for a response, kissing the top of her head as he let her sob softly against his chest. "You're an amazing person, Buffy. I'm sorry if I ever made you doubt that with my thoughtless words, you know I tend to not think before I speak." That got a small laugh out of her, and it brought a smile to his face as he let her go.

"I'm sorry, too, you didn't deserve to get beat up like that. I should have apologized a lot sooner; I guess we both have a long way to go."

"You don't have to be with me, pet. We can just be friends if that's what you wish, but please don't shut me out. I don't want you to stop coming by," he pleaded.

Buffy nodded, wiping away the remaining tears. "I won't, I thought it was what you wanted. It was hard to think you would still want to see me after everything I did."

He caressed her cheek, touching his lips softly to hers. "I always want to see you."

She smiled. "Good, and I'm okay with being friends, at least for right now. I don't want things to go back to the way they were."

Spike had no complaints about the sex, but he agreed it wouldn't be the best idea for them to jump right back into it. She still had a lot of healing to do. "Friends it is, then, but can you do me a favor? Don't keep this from your sister, she's worried about you."

Buffy silently agreed, resting against his chest and feeling content when he wrapped his arms around her. For the first real time since she was brought back to the living, Buffy finally felt at peace.

**The End**


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